I dislike

the fact that I've missed out on so much this year, especially since it's my Senior year. I skipped out on the homecoming game, homecoming dance, certain hangouts/parties, plenty of link crew & interact club meetings/events. I also dislike the fact that I have already gotten so lazy. I was late on applying for colleges and now I'm even lazy to do scholarships, and the essays don't even need to be that long either. Senioritis? I'm not so sure, but like, I just got my grades back & it dropped .. AGAIN. I have a C in english, B in economics & A for being Masterton's T.A. I'm so disappointed in myself. I want to stay more focused, but at the same time, I'm thinking about, WTH am i gonna do when I graduate? If I don't get accepted into Cal State, I'm going to PCC then, but I'm gonna get yelled at cos my parents don't want me to go there. This is what happens when I'm lazy and don't do my applications, FML. Most of all, I dislike how no one wants to hire us kids. I wanna get a job, save up money & move out soon. It also bugs me how I never have money when I need it most. Ugh, so lame. The year is coming to an end and I'm hoping for a good ending for 2009. Winter break is making me think too much & I think I'm gonna get sick from it.

Although I'm thinking all negatively, I believe that I am only thinking that way because I'm in desperate need of money. Having my friends always buy me stuff, or get me presents, especially during Christmas or my birthday, and for me being unable to do the same for them, it makes me upset cos I feel like I should get them something. I feel like, making a card isn't enough cos it doesn't show how much they really mean to me. It just makes me mad, but not at them, at myself. &Also, when my family members get us stuff & we have nothing in return for them every year, I don't like that either. *Sigh, I guess I just need another way of showing my appreciation to others to make myself feel better. My future on the other hand, I REALLY REALLY don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. Hearing about my friends, getting accepted to this college & that college. I mean, sure I would love to go there, but knowing myself, I know I won't be as committed, that is why I didn't apply for it. I don't really care as much for what college I go to because I really don't have a main thing that I'm focused on, it's just the family that cares so much, that it bothers me, and it hits me like a bullet through my head, like I need to reach every freaken expectation cos they want their kids to be all "perfect" so they can show us off to their friends, saying how "great & almighty" we are. I really don't mind being an ordinary girl, with a regular job, going to an average school, renting a small apartment, or anything. I'm really okay with that kind of life and I don't really need that much to be satisfied. The only reason why I mention houses, being rich &etc., is because it's something I want, it's not what I need. It's like a fantasy. As for graduation, it's 6 months from here & I really want to spend more time with my friends before they all leave for college after we graduate. I'm gonna miss then SO much. Everyone's going so far, and most of us are probably gonna lose contact with each other.

Ahhhh, so depressing. Anyway, you can see that, I have a lot to vent /: I dislike going on breaks because of this. I don't get to go out, cos most of the places people mention, concerns money & I don't have that. So instead, I stay at home & think of this crap. It's driving me CRAZY.