SIGHHHHH.

Maybe if I get this out of my system, I'll feel at least a little better. I might sound selfish or a complete jerk after this, but the last time I checked, this was MY blogger.

I was always the one that everyone came to for advice on everything, including love, which I have no experience with whatsoever and I realized that it has never been the other way around, where I come talking about it with someone else. It has never been ME running to someone for a shoulder to cry on because a boy broke my heart or ME running to someone to tell them that someone I liked had just asked me to be his girlfriend or something. NEVER. If you remember a time like that, please feel free to comment this post, telling me when that had EVER happened. I was always the one who gave but never received in return. I don't wait for birthdays, holidays, or eventful days. I think of something and make it for you or I see something and I buy it for you. I give it as a surprise during random days. It's me showing that I care, that I thought of you. I'm not expecting anything in return but I'd appreciate a 'thank you' or something random every now and then to show that I actually matter in your lives. Like a 'i miss you' or 'remember that time when you got me that thing, i still have it' or something. It doesn't have to be an item, just the words could get me through the day with a smile on my face already. I just wanna feel like I actually MATTER in your life and I'm not just someone you run to when you have a crisis or someone you just meet every now and then to catch up. Sigh, I'm not really sure what I want, but if you get what I meant when I said that, great. I was always the one who took the initiative to say 'yeah, let's hangout! i miss you' etc., etc. I don't want that anymore. It's always me. You plan it. I'm so tired of always taking the first step and it doesn't even work out. I'm tired of failed plans/planning. I was always the one who had the open ears to listen when someone had to call me in the middle of the day or night because something crazy happened. I was always the one with the open arms because someone needed a hug really badly. Now that I think about it, it hasn't ever been me. It has always been me being there for you guys during those times. I can't remember the last time I actually cried in front of anyone. I always cried in silence cos it was almost embarrassing to do it in front of you guys after all the times I had to keep a strong cover to keep calm. I guess that's what hurts the most.

It really isn't about whether you're around or not. It's that you wanna be here, that you wanna show up, that you wanna take initiative, etc., that I care about. That's what matters. It's not about the money problems, it's about having company, it's about having a friend. I don't wanna hear that you'll always be there for me. That line has been used a thousand times. I want you to take action and actually show that you care & will be there. I don't wanna be the person you call up last minute, out of everyone else, to say 'let's hangout!' because that means, I was the last person you thought of. I'm already last in the alphabet at school when they line me up by last name. Being last as a friend, is even worse.

I only had 4 hours of sleep and I couldn't sleep after that. I've been crying all morning since I woke up. This time, it was so hard to hold it in, I literally had to jump out of bed and sit outside of my living room to be by myself. I seriously couldn't hold it in. Oh & guess what? I just found out that the psychological fact about the first drop of tear that comes down - if it drops from the left eye first, that means sadness, and the right eye is from happiness. Mine came from the left. You can put the puzzle pieces together now, good luck with that.

P.S. I was right, this is the worst year ever. With all the falling, crying, debts, problems, worst birthday ever, ETC. May the ending half of 2011 be two times better than the first 5-6 months of hell.